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What would you ban if you were president?
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Definitely banned: fireworks. Dan Kitwood/Getty
What would you ban if you were president?
Looking at the raft of Donald Trumpâs executive orders, says Carol Midgley in The Times, they essentially boil down to whatâs on his list of âThings That Are Getting on My Titsâ. And weâve all got one of those, havenât we? My first executive order would be an instant fine for anyone using the sickly phrase âmaking memoriesâ â âjust say youâre going on holiday, you soppy Instagram pillockâ. Same for âbusy boastersâ who want you to know they are âso busy they literally donât have time to type a wordâ, by abbreviating âthanksâ to âtksâ or âbest wishesâ to âBWâ â âa full-on taser to the buttocks for thatâ.
There are plenty of old gripes that need action too. Spending 20 minutes in an airport security queue but only taking your coat off when you get to the front. âSorry â no holiday for you.â Posting a photo of your coffee because itâs got a heart shape in the froth. âBore off!â Iâd also ban autocorrect, leaf blowers, artificial grass, fireworks, loud hand dryers and the phrase âpacking on the PDAâ alongside a photo of two celebrities kissing. Iâd veto âSee it, say it, sortedâ, the use of âuniâ instead of âuniversityâ, and saying âI tell it like it isâ when you really mean âIâm rudeâ. Oh, and Iâd definitely ban piccalilli, because it smells atrocious. And if I couldnât do that, Iâd rename it ârancid halitosis pasteâ. See? I âtell it like it isâ.
đ§ąđŽ A month ago, we asked readers of The Knowledge what would go on their list of âThings I Hateâ. Sir Hooky Walker suggested baseball caps worn the wrong way round â and in fact baseball caps âworn by anybody other than Americansâ â along with the misuse of the word âincredibleâ. Elspeth Weisberg hates recorded messages that tell you âyour call is important to usâ, when itâs clearly ânot important enough to have a person answerâ the damn thing. Peter Rylett isnât keen on âattention-seeking idiots who stammer, on purpose, during radio interviewsâ, or lorries that have the word âhorsesâ written on them (âso what?â). The curtest response came from Julie Peters: âIf I had to write a list of âthings I hateâ, writing a âlist of things I hateâ would be first on it.â Thanks Julie, noted.
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Inside politics
Alice Weidel: not as âliberal-conservativeâ as she makes out. Filip Singer/Getty
The presentable face of Germanyâs far-right
Alice Weidel, co-leader of Germanyâs AfD, doesnât fit the stereotype of a far-right radical, says Katja Hoyer in The Guardian. An economist by trade, the 45-year-old has lived and worked all over the world, from Canada and Japan to Singapore and China. She started teaching herself Mandarin from cassette tapes when she was 14, later perfecting the language while living in Beijing, and has done stints at Goldman Sachs and the Bank of China. Today, she lives in a charming little town in Switzerland with her civil partner Sarah Bossard and their two adopted sons. But donât be fooled. The AfDâs first-ever candidate for chancellor is far from the âliberal-conservativeâ she claims to be.
At her partyâs most recent conference, Weidel demanded âlarge-scale repatriations of immigrantsâ, the demolition of Germanyâs âwindmills of shameâ, and an end to âqueer-woke insanityâ. She happily allowed the AfD to limit its definition of family to âfather, mother and childrenâ, despite being in a same-sex relationship herself, and she publicly embraced the far-right term âremigrationâ, telling delighted delegates that if mass deportations were on the cards then âthatâs what itâs going to be: re-mi-gra-tionâ. Wiedel has also âmade her peaceâ with the AfDâs radical leader in the state of Thuringia, Björn Höcke, who has been fined twice for using the Nazi slogan âAlles fĂŒr Deutschlandâ. When delegates alluded to this by chanting âAlice fĂŒr Deutschlandâ, she seemed perfectly happy with it. Letâs hope Germans going to the polls next month arenât taken in by the âpresentable faceâ of the AfD.
Food and drink
Good Food Discoveries
Hunterâs chicken is a âchaotic dish in many waysâ, says Olivia Potts in The Spectator, but itâs also a supremely satisfying mid-week, sling-it-in-the-oven, âcheer-me-up-quicklyâ one. It helps that itâs utterly delicious. âNo one could accuse it of being subtle, but then subtlety is overrated.â Wrap four chicken breasts tightly in smoked streaky bacon then wedge them into a snug baking tray and roast at 200C for 25 mins. Cover the cooked breasts in barbecue sauce and sprinkle generously with cheddar cheese, then stick it under the grill until the cheese is melted and bubbling. Serve immediately with a sprinkle of chopped chives on top.
Life
Jack Pierce with Boris Karloff in 1931. Transcendental Graphics/Getty
The make-up man who turned Boris Karloff into Frankensteinâs monster
Jack Pierce created some of the most memorable faces in Hollywood history, says Tom Fordy in The Daily Telegraph. The Universal Pictures make-up maestro started out in movies in 1909 â when actors still did their own make-up â and made his name with extremely detailed hand-crafted designs. Lon Chaney Jr, who played the Wolf Man in 1941, endured âhours upon hoursâ of preparation every morning as Pierce glued yak hair to his face before singeing it with a curling iron. (Chaney later called Pierce âthe greatest goddamned sadist in the worldâ.) For 1932âs The Mummy, it took eight hours to wrap Boris Karloff in burned bandages and cover him in muck. When the actor asked to go to the loo, Pierce simply cut a fly in the bandages.
Pierceâs big break was transforming Jacques Lerner into an ape for 1927âs The Monkey Talks. His make-up was so convincing that one critic thought Lerner was actually a monkey, writing: âthe well-trained chimpanzee had almost human qualitiesâ. His most iconic look was the original Frankensteinâs monster in 1931. With a stitched-on skull, bolted neck and hooded eyes, the image âstill towers over the cultural psycheâ almost 100 years on. When Karloff, who played the monster, bumped into a studio secretary while out for a walk in full make-up, she fainted in fright. After that the crew only allowed him to go out wearing a veil over his head, with Pierce leading him by the hand.
Quoted
âItâs not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.â
Seneca
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